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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in witchbaby's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, August 24th, 2002
3:32 am
moving woes
tonight was very emotional for me. i went over to tara's apartment and looked around. it's really cute. a little messy and cluttered. the room i will have is really small. it freaks me out KNOWING that i'm going to be moving next august. but at the same time it's exciting. right now at 3:30 am it's depressing. i get depressed at night. at the same time i like mary and tara. they're fun and sweet and goofy. laid back and mellow. they'll give me rides places. i won't have to go to house meetings and come in to strange people sitting in my house or have to deal with lilly taking over the whole house. at the same time i miss my happy years at the co-op. i miss the times with ryen. it's so sad knowing that this time next weekend i'll be saying goodbye to him for good. it feels like he's dying or something. that's awful! i shouldn't say that. it just feels like a part of my life is dying. i hope that a part of my life is getting born right now and i really hope that part of my life is positive and not sad. the future scares me. life scares me. i'm scared of moving. i'm scared of changing my habits and my life. but i need to do this. i can't just settle for the co-op and all its annoyances. things will be different with ryen gone. things won't be as fun. tara said he pretty much makes the co-op what it is. it's true. i have to move on with my life. it'll be easier cutting the apron strings of this place if i've already moved someplace different.
Saturday, July 6th, 2002
12:42 am
gee folks it's been a while
well as all the 2 people (myself included) who read this journal know: my grandma mary died a few weeks ago..june 21st i believe. really awful situation. i'm still really sad about it.

i'll put more in later...i just wanted to say that i'm not giving up on ms.livejournal...i just haven't felt like writing a lot/been too busy.

later
Sunday, June 9th, 2002
12:59 pm
drama drama and oh yes? did i mention drama?
so last night i decided 2 things: 1.) that i won't be living in new york city with ryen and melody. 2.) that i CANNOT let anymore drama enter my life ever.

ok so those are both a bit unrealistic. but whatever. i can try to achieve bits and pieces of these goals. i might very well change my mind about nyc (who knows what the fuck will happen in a year?) and well, drama in my life is invevitable.

so last night i went outside to smoke a cigarette & melody and ryen were sitting on the porch talking. i joined them and we were talking, but they kept drifting off into their own conversation making me feel very unhappy and hurt. it just really hurt my feelings. i think it was unintentional but still. it really did hurt my feelings. it made me feel so alone. it made me realize how everyone has someone else they can truly count on. someone who loves them and who would die for them. i don't have that. i have friends who are there. but i don't really have a person who completes me. i've never been the person with the best friend or the serious boyfriend. it just hurts. i still feel so alone even though i know so many people.

being around people doesn't cure lonliness.

so i called jess and walked over to her work at midnight. we talked for a long time about this. she asked me if i had smashed heather's sculptures that she'd had in the front lawn. it really took me for a loop. after heather moved out, ryen and i got rid of most of the ugly sculptures she'd left in the front lawn. both of us took part in getting rid of them. we were both very angry and hurt by her. both of us had an equal part in getting rid of her shit. for some reason, it seems like i'm the cheif culprit. i'm conflicted as to how much i really want to devote of my energy to. looking back i see that we made probably a wrong decision. yes it would hurt me a lot if someone destroyed my artwork. but, if it was artwork i truly cared about i would take it with me when i was to allegedly move away permanently instead of just leaving it behind somewhere. she expressed no interest to anyone in keeping it around. i didn't want to look at it because i hate her. she's hurt me badly for the past 3 years and i wanted to do something malicious because of how angry i was for what she had done to me. simple as that. anger does funny things to people. i never said i was a saint. i also am not the only person to have a part in this. ryen is as much equal to blame as i am. funny how ryen's always so loved by everyone and i'm the fucking anti-christ.

i give up. i cease completely communicating with these kinds of people like heather. i cease having any feellings about heather. she's history to me. vacent. she's as vacent from my life as my ex-roommate erica from the townhouse. i told jess quite clearly that i don't want to talk about heather ever again. she understood this. thankfully jess isn't mad at me. she's an understanding friend. i think she's disappointed, but she also was quick to point out that no one is a saint and that she's done some really fucked up shit that i've never seemed to judge her on. i'm glad that jess can have this aspect of her personality. unconditional friendship. that's fucking rare. scott also has this. i told him about it, i guess i never really realized how fucked up it was that ryen and i did this. i feel awful about this. i'm always trying to be such a good person. i let my anger get the best of me. but this is why i'm working on myself so much. this is why i'm trying to do better. i don't want this episode to taint my friendships with other people. i never considered heather a friend. i barely considered her a roommate. i can't begin to describe how much she hurt my past self and how much i was reeling from pain from how much she hurt me when she went away. very few times have i acted like that and i can honestly say that heather is a very negative, decietful, manipulative person who stops at nothing to get what she wants. she told jess that to try to sway her (not realizing that jess can think for herself) and she is one of the few people i've met with the uncanny ability to bring out the worst sides in just about everyone she comes into contact with.

enough of her. she's retarded (as scott said:) and she's fucking gone from my life. i have purged her from my existence. the end.
Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
8:19 pm
hey there. this'll probably be pretty brief. a lot's been going on lately. my school started up again along with work. i'm working at watson library at the circulation desk. yey. it's alright. kind of depressing. i'm not sure why, being around marissa just IS depressing. oh well. it's alright. i'm getting paid. that's what matters.
i also have a studio again. YEY!!!!!!! thank god.

i decorated my studio. it looks pretty good. i'm bummed cause they threw away all the furniture that was in the studio. but oh well. my mom has tons of junk in her basement (cushions,pillows etc.) so i just brought a bunch of those up. it's a good studio. i've had it before when i shared with kristy. i'm kind of jealous of sara because she has julia's old studio that has a wonderful window in it. grr. oh well, at least mine has a skylight. that's always good. lots of space. it's a really nice size.

anyway i'm going now, very tired.

love
megan*
Monday, June 3rd, 2002
12:30 am
ode to lauryn hill...amongst other things
i went to borders today and bought the new lauryn hill cd. i didn't know that it was out and had no intention of buying it, but it's fucking fabulously brilliant. she's a genius. i'm rediscovering her. now i want to listen to the miseducation again. i want to by some fugees albums also. listening to lauryn hill is so real and amazing. she's so human and above all the stupid bullshit of marketing and slickness. a true artist. loving and brilliant. a modern day nina simone.
i'm getting more and more tired of indie rock. it's so fucking vapid. the scene that is, and a good portion of the music. there's 2 types of indie rock: the inovators and the leaches. the inovators are people exploring different alternatives to creating music. the leaches are the people who cling to the styles of indie rock, the music sensibilities and the fashion and use that as their "talent". i'm afraid the indie rock scene is turing into a scene made up of the majority of the leaches.
i'm also beginning to realize how quietly racist the indie rock scene is. it's made up almost entirely of white suburban kids talking about white suburban issues. the beauty standard is white as snow caucasian. of course they all profess to being incredibly leftist, but how leftist can a scene be that is so elitist as the indie rock scene? black people have no place in the indie rock scene. it's indirect racism. i don't really want to be a part of it anymore. not like i ever was anyway.
I WANT HONEST BEAUTIFUL MUSIC!!! i don't want lies anymore. i'm paring down my musical listening pallet to people who i truly respect as persons of integrity and soul. no more players.
i'm becoming more about:
jeff buckley
lauryn hill
nick drake
the white stripes
nina simone
bjork
belle & sebastian
le tigre

these are people who believe in their music. these are people i'd like to snuggle with. these are people i want to support as artists. i'm over with buying the newest vapid indie rock boy band. they're not a part of my life anymore.

Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, May 31st, 2002
9:51 am
i went over to jess's last night. we sat around and watched aquatine hunger force, half of hedwig & the angry inch...brandon (her roommate who downloaded it online forgot to download all of it), and part of airplane!. she's packing up her stuff to move into the dorms. she's teaching classes up at school this summer for gifted jr. high/high schoolers. this allows her to live on campus free with a free meal plan so she can save some money for moving back to portland purposes. she moves up there on sunday i think.
so i decided to go home to my mom's house instead of go to the wedding. going to the wedding will do nothing good for anyone if i attend it. i won't be "merry" enough for anyone. it's pretty hard to be "merry" when you have clinical depression & it only applifies the depression to be around overly zealous happy people at a wedding. i also hate weddings. i never go to them. i didn't even go to my mom's wedding when she got remarried. i truly don't believe in marriage. i believe it's only for the weak, needy, stupid, or monetarily dependent. there's nothing good about marriage. no marriages last and if they do last and don't get divorced they end up hating each other and living seperate lives. i don't believe in love that much. the love that people usually say that they are "in" is a fucking lie.
so i'm sure that even though i'm going to give them a card and a little tulip shaped candle explaining that i am not going to the wedding, everyone will still carry a fucking guilt trip to me. why the hell should i go? it's pretty obvious they don't like me & i hate them. also, since everyone in this house is a fucking fair-weather friend anyway, why would they want me to be at their rainbow sunshine wedding spoiling everything by not being fucking happy? why should THEY have to waste so much time being around me. i wish everyone in this house would just give me a little card saying: "please kill yourself for our sake. no one wants you here anyway." but yeah i forgot, that takes to much effort and exertion. i'm not worth all that.
hm. glad i'm seeing the shrink today.
bye.

Current Mood: angry
Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
3:40 pm
welcome back to drama station
so i get back to lawrence yesterday only to find out that cuntface heather & her bohunk tony were back in town. jess had been informed earlier that they were coming and then they had never called her back. so she went ahead and made plans with me to eat dinner at the orient. then, on the way over, she gets a call from cuntface saying that she was on her way. cuntface then put jess on a horrible guilt trip because they had already made plans. jess told me all this and said she didn't know what to do. she was very upset (i haven't seen her that upset in a long time). i told her that there was no pressure from my side and that the easiest thing to do would be to go eat dinner with cuntface. i didn't want to add to the shitty position jess was being put in by making ridiculous demands of her. i also find out from aaron that bohunk & cuntface are going to be stopping by to pick up some of their white trash that they managed to leave behind (guess they never considered bringing back any of the stuff she STOLE from ryen, eh?)so i went ahead and went downtown to eat at la parilla. after i ate at la parilla i went over to henry's thinking, oh both of them are vehement non-smokers (jess used to go to henry's a bit but stopped partly because of her night job(s) and partly, i think, because she hates ciggy smoke). so yeah i'm sitting there. my friends trisha, max, and uriah are all there and lo & behold, in walks jess & cuntface. i just sat there smiling at cuntface smoking my cigarette. i think that the only thing that could have possibly made the entire situation even more appropriate was if music from a spaghetti western had been playing in the background. of course, cuntface kept looking in the other direction, obviously uncomfortable. hehe. jess came over saying, in her best jess-way: "jokers to the left of me jokers to my right...stuck in the middle again." she then appologized for bringing heather there and then said that she really hoped that i wasn't hurt and that she felt like such a shit-heel. she said that they were going to be going. i told jess that i wasn't mad at her, that henry's was a public place, and that all i really wanted was for her to get the hell out of there because it was really a lot for me to not go over to that fucking cunt of a whore and smack her senseless. jess understood my rage. of course i didn't say that whole part about heather being a cunt of a whore. i'm not mad at jess. i told her to hang out with her basically just to make myself not look as pathetically petty as cuntface and for jess to maybe examine the way in which cuntface abuses her as a friend. i think she's digesting this. of course, it's hard not to sound petty when you're continually refering to a person as "cuntface". they left very soon after they stepped inside. heh.
i went over to max & trisha's which i hadn't ever done before. oh my god. they live in a total filthy shithole. it smelled sooo bad. i hate saying that but really it stank. they have a millin cats. i think they have about 10 cats at least. 2 of the cats have had a litter of kittens. one little grey kitten was really cute. i had fun talking to all of them though. although, max kind of bothers me a little bit because he has a weird tendency to make sexual references and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable sometimes. he's trisha's (soon to be) husband. however, max is flirty and is completely harmless. i would never find him attractive. it just wouldn't work for me. but if he gave me a reason to be weirded out i'd go by that, but he doesn't do anything remotely threatening. he's very sweet, just a little too overzealous with the sexualized comments for my liking.

i came home at 4 am. then today jess & i went to india palace.

talk to you later.

Current Mood: confused
Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
1:56 pm
*love 2 the jt leroy yahoo group*
awww i love the jt leroy yahoogroup. i just have to say: these people are the nicest online community in the world!

:D

Current Mood: loved
Monday, May 27th, 2002
7:16 pm
terminator2 yahoo group...
...is the best message group online! i just joined it today. i'm a huge fan of jt leroy's and the site was created by him. he posts messages to the group reguarly & everyone on the group is so fucking sweet and loving. i put up a message saying that i was a new member who had just joined & i got a dozen sweet responses that people sent complete with cute little virtual kisses. this is the last newsgroup i would ever think would be SWEET. i thought they would all be pretentious jerks, like the lawrence indie rawk kids. but they are the polar opposite. gives me faith in people from different regions of the country who don't have giant trees jammed up their asses just because they're creative. they all (including jt) are incredibly sweet, nerdy, goofy, & unpretentious. they all are like a giant loving funny group of friends. it's fucking incredible! getting messages from them brightened my day:)
*
10:21 am
oh my god i think i just had a stroke!!!!!!
i happened to flip through the channels a few nights ago to stumble on the abysmally bad saturday night live. i watched snl's pathetic stabs at trying to be humorous with pain & revulsion. jack black was on. i find jack black 1/2 the time sort of funny and most of the time a glorified frat fuck who's losing his hair. maybe it has something to do with that whole shallow hal pile of seagull vomit that tried to pass itself off as a "movie" (and i use that term loosely in reference to that peice of hate-mongering garbage) a few years ago.
however, i was gazing upon the national disaster that snl has become only to be furtherly entertained by the musical lineup performing on the show: the strokes.
wow. talk about a no-talent falacy of musical trash! in a way, i believe that eventually i will become a strokes fan. i will only become a strokes fan when they become washed up heroin addicts whose videos pop up now and again on pop up whatever happened to video day. this is what i did with hanson. for some reason, the strokes really remind me of hanson. kind of like hanson on drugs. i just really do find it entirely laughable that they're trying to pass themselves off as an indie rock band by brandishing their straight off the wracks of urban outfitter's fake chic "thrift store" clothes and their nonsensical lyrics. they're indie rock for the 14 year old girl just getting over the backstreet boys set, but who still aren't able to make a full committment to real avant garde music. of course, some of the girls into the strokes now will eventually bridge that gap to become really intelligent musical listeners. believe it or not, this happened to a lot of the little girls screaming over hanson back in 1997. i used to be friends with a few of these people who i can honestly say, let hanson lead them on to more inspired musical choices. everyone has their breakthrough band that shows them the alternatives in music, no matter how bizarre that breakthrough band may be. thank god my breakthrough band was the doors. i somehow managed to escape the whole boy band phenomina and break on through to the dark side early on. then again, in 1992 (when i entered seventh grade...god that makes me sound like a cro-magnon) boy bands were pretty hard to come by. thankfully i came of age during the grunge hey-day. i matured listening to belly ("feed the tree"), beck ("loser"), nirvana ("smells like teen spirit","come as you are", "heart shaped box"), pearl jam ("jeremy" ok so what if now they suck?), and of course my musical savior: tori. top 40 radio was reguarly playing music by people who think. imagine that! luckily i was always a thinking person, so that music, thank god really spoke to me. it woke me up. pundents say what you must about the downfall of grunge: it gave rock & roll back to the true rebels. it told us that it was ok to dye our hair funky colors and read poetry and be creative and not buy into gender norms. of course it had its faults. but it was pure. i don't see that purity in much mainstream music this day, but i still have faith in true alternative music.
i don't see any purity in the strokes nor in any of the other so-called indie rock bands who perform partly to pretend that they aren't of the same breed as any of your other average run of the mill misogonistic rex-manning hair band men while at the same time feeling fine with letting girls give them blow-jobs backstage. the other part of the reason most of these bands pretend to be "indie rock" is to show off the latest apparel from urban outfitters in hopes that they will come across as the newest urban looking male models. don't kid yourself folks: 1/2 of the "indie rock scene" (if you can call it that) is about music, the other 1/2 is about looking hip and sexy enough to be able to fuck the male or female versions of themselves. it's a "scene" for true narcissists.
now lets talk about REAL indie rock. real indie rock comes from the mind of someone who is an indipendent thinker. real indie rock comes from the driving need to express yourself and your views of the human condition. screw labels. it doesn't matter if it's a big label or a small label. both are just as controlling and both are what every musician aspires to be on. fuck labels. true indie rock comes from the soul, not from the sales rack. let's please not forget the pure joy of what music is about. let's not become runway models in minstrel clothes. let's not all have a stroke.
Saturday, May 25th, 2002
11:26 pm
my mom talked to me tonight about depression. she just came in and asked me if i thought i needed to be on medication. i felt like she was telling me that she found drugs in my bedroom or something. it was very brave of her to ask me about this though, i know how hard it is for her to talk about feelings. i said that yes i thought i should be on medication. it was nice for her to make an effort for once.
i feel bad for always taking all my problems out on scott & jess. they're so sweet to me and they put up with all my bullshit. this is just an illogical fear, but sometimes i worry that they'll hear one neurotic thing too many and just be like "ok! enough's enough! time out! i can't talk to you anymore until you become less of a fucked up person." however, i know that jess & scott wouldn't do this. i don't feel like i overly depend on them for anything. i just count on them as friends. it feels nice to know that there are people out there willing to listen to you and care about you with no strings attached. right now, they're both being such kind, wonderful friends to me and i don't think that i think of them enough for all the things they do for me as friends. they really do make me feel better & help me so much. i just feel grateful for the people who really do care about me in my life.
i was going to watch interiors but by that point i was bawling and snot was dripping from every orifice in my body. i figured that there will be a definate different time & place to watch interiors. which, from the small bit i've seen, ranks up there with one of the most depressing movies of all time. even during my snot-drenched crying jag i realized what an overly depressing movie this was. i actually laughed a little bit at the pathetic sight of an unstable person crying about their depression while at the same time interiors is going on. i thought to myself, "ok. so how is this helpful to me? i really should not be watching this!" so i decided to put in another journal entry.

good thing about myself for the day: i wrote some really good stuff in the story i'm working on. i should look forward to reading more of little altars everywhere.

that's all i could come up with tonight.

goodnight.
11:32 am
second doubts
i've thought a lot about what i wrote last night. in one sense i feel like i've had a major breakthrough in dealing with myself and my unhappiness. i feel like after last night, i can only get better. i think that i had a major breakthrough because i was able to talk, well write, about what it was that's been upsetting me for almost a decade. as i said earlier, i've talked to myself about it many times. but i really don't think i've ever written about this. it really is true what they say: that talking about it helps. it's an every day thing to deal with and i'm only starting to deal with it now. it takes a long time. maybe a lifetime. but i'm getting there slowly & i'm doing it all myself. i've always been stubborn. and that's my positive thing about myself for the day. i'm stubborn. being stubborn is positive.
i feel strange sharing so much about myself to something so essentially public. anyone could read this! that really sort of scares me. i forget the live part of the journal aspect. but in the same sense, why should it matter who reads this? it's not like i'm sharing my social security number with anyone. i'm sharing my life experiences. maybe someday someone will stumble onto my journal who's having the same problems and they will not feel as alone. or maybe not. this journal isn't meant to cure cancer, it's supposed to help me. i have a right to feel this way.

on another, completely seperate note, i watched the most interesting tv program called history's mysteries on the history channel. it was about this murder in the early 1920s by these 2 young homosexual boys (who i have to say, were really sexy) named leopold & loeb. they decided to commit the perfect murder. they kidnapped this poor 14 year old kid and killed him. just for fun. it was so creepy! but fascinating none the less because both these boys were so intelligent and diabolical. it reminded me of this alfred hitchcock movie i really like (i'm 100% SURE) that he based it on leopold & loeb. it's called Rope. it's about these two young (obviously homosexual) men who decide to kill a friend just for fun, put his body inside a trunk, and then cover the trunk up with a table cloth & serve an entire dinner party on top of the trunk where the dead body is. very macabe. but a great film, none-the-less. anyway, clarence darrow (the guy who was the good lawyer from the scopes monkey trial) defended them. he gave this amazing speach against the death penalty, in 1924!!!! that made the judge actually CRY. he also was smart enough to plead guilty on behalf of leopold & loeb by basing the decision on whether they should be executed or not entirely on the judge. the judge was this guy who'd been raised very differently than leopold & loeb (who were both intelligent boys from overly wealthy families) he'd grown up in steel mills and stuff. to convince him not to fry them is a really impressive feet. clarence darrow gave this great speach about the death penalty for 2 DAYS. i'm amazed by him. he's definately a great man who everyone should know much more about. i've definately decided that i'm against the death penalty. i guess in the 1960s leopold was let free and did all this great humanitarian work in puerto rico. he said he got off on helping people. talk about redemption. what a prime example for not giving people the death penalty. i don't think leopold & loeb were necessarily wonderful, but i do think that everyone can become very different people if given the chance. especially when they make terrible mistakes at a young age. i will definately have to read more about leopold & loeb. what a fascinating story.

well i'll talk to you later
Friday, May 24th, 2002
11:26 pm
goals oh those cheesy goals...
i've decided that every time i make an entry i'm going to force myself to say one nice thing to myself. i know this is cheesy but i have to do this to get better.

i think i look very pretty with my hair back to it's (more or less) origional brunette color. i haven't been a true brunette since i started dying my hair sometime in high school. (i wanted to be tori amos). but it brings out a pretty color in my cheeks and brings out my complextion (which actually is very nice).

i also think that i want to give myself a clara bow haircut. i was toying with the uma thurman do but now i think i want to do the clara bow cut. i just saw that really good documentary about her on tcm. i love clara bow.

she was so cute, she called her fans her "wonderful fan friends" and tried to read and write back to every single person. i want to cuddle up and hug clara bow.

bye
10:50 pm
k-fucked
i just went into my old bedroom at my mom's house and thought about what i just wrote. i thought about all the times i've thought about some of those things and how much they've stayed with me over the years. how those things have haunted me. i've never written about any of those things before. for some reason i don't feel justified as having just that stuff be the reason behind my depression. so many people have worse things happen to them. i must be very sensitive. or maybe what did happen to me was abuse. it hurts like abuse. for some reason it doesn't seem legitimate. i don't know why.

as i was laying there crying i thought of something anne lamott said in bird by bird. she was talking about how we all have these ugly voices in our heads telling us bad things about ourselves all the time. she also calls it K-Fucked radio...the constant radio station of negative thoughts that's on inside our heads. she said that what she does is, she visualizes shrinking down each person who is being a jerk to her to the size of a pinkie finger. then taking that person up by their shirt and putting them inside a jar. removing them from yourself. taking control of the negative crap being spewed out at you.

i think i'm learning how to start to do that, but it just takes time

bye
10:28 pm
oh yeah and one more thing why my life sucks
i'm 22 years old and i have no fucking clue what my sexual preference is.

let me share with you a wonderful little tale about how i came to have no sexuality by the age of 22 years old:

well, this joyful tale starts off when i was between the ages of, oh 10-18. all throughout late elementary school people made fun of me because i was fat & ugly. i would wake up in the morning to the phone wringing. thinking it was my mom i would answer the phone to a girl downt the street who turned against me (after being my friend for 2 years) saying: good morning fat ass. i would get on the bus and she would look away. the most popular kids in school would follow me around asking if i wanted to date the most popular boy in the school, knowing that it would hurt my feelings. because i was so very ugly. i learned very well how to hate my body. every day i learned more and more how horrible i was. how ugly i was. i tried to commit suicide 2 times when i was in the 6th grade. well i didn't try. i thought about killing myself a lot though. i tried to strangle myself with a phone cord. i thought about oding on pills a number of times. but i knew my mom would be the person to find the body, and i just couldn't do that to her.
between jr. high and high school i rode my bike all day long. i rode so much. i just rode & rode. i was determined to lose weight. i think i lost like 20 lbs or something in 3 months. i thought i looked prettier. i started doing this at the end of 6th grade. when we went over to the jr. high school as a group to see what it was like, i remember forcing myself to not eat. i think i forced myself to not eat a lot then. but i really don't remember. i did force myself to lose weight. i think just cause i rode my bike so much. i didn't have a single friend at all. i didn't have friends until maybe 9th grade. in 7th grade, i thought things would be different. oh what a dumb mistake we all make when we think things will be different for us. before i knew it, people were spreading around that i was a lesbian. they wrote it on the bathroom walls. someone came up and told me they saw it written on the bathroom walls. i had to go tell the vice principal to have it washed off. she was nice to me about it. but it still was so embarrassing. i had a group of friends for a while in the 9th grade. we were the weird kids. we were part of the whole mid-1990s alternative dissaffected youth set at my jrhigh/high school. this meant that we tortured stuffed animals that you bought out of vending machines and wore glitter all over our bodies. but they decided they didn't like me also. so i was alone again. i guess i'm pretty unlikeable or something. just as a note, i don't have as much a negative attitude in my everyday life as i do in these journal entries. i'm pretty calm otherwise. but anyway. everyone thought i was a lesbian. people told me i looked like kathy bates. i knew no guy would ever like me. i kissed 2 guys in high school: 1 was this deaf kid named jason who sort of looked like leo dicaprio. i felt sorry for him cause everyone was mean to him for being deaf like they were mean to me for being ugly, mean, and weird. he got on my nerves after a while and i didn't want to have to take care of him. then i made out with a sort of friend of mine named paco when i was drunk on the 4th of july. the only way i could get him to make out with me was because he was drunk.
sometime in jr. high i decided the best way to shut myself off from the hurt of being made fun of about my sexuality, my looks, my everything was to not think at all about what my sexuality was. i decided to shut it off completely. i shut down my sexuality. yes i masterbate. but this doesn't involve touching myself. i won't explain how i do this because, well that's no one's business. but i can't touch myself. i can hardly look at myself naked without feeling like i'm disgusting. i hate my vagina. i've hated it ever since i got my period when i was 10 years old. i've always hated being a woman. i haven't dated anyone in college. i've kissed 3 guys in 4 years. all in all i've kissed 7 guys in my entire life. i don't know what my sexual preference is and i don't know what my sexuality is. i still am confused by everything.

later,
bye
10:19 pm
god when did i turn into sylvia plath from the bell jar?
what the hell is this? depressionapalooza '02?


god.

i need therapy.


don't worry, i'm not suicidal...christ knows you wouldn't know that by reading my last entry...

things change quickly when you're a bipolar freak.

didn't ferris bueller say something along those lines?

bye
10:09 pm
i've figured out 2 things after reading all my pathetic journal entries:
1.) i'm obviously depressed with a severe anger problem

2.) no one gives a rat's ass about anyone else's boring existence. i've looked over so many journal entries by random people and everyone is so self-obsessed (i'm including myself here so don't get your panties in a wad).

i remember a year or two ago when i was so happy. was i ever happy? everything's been a tight-rope walk for me. i managed to read my stupid old aol webpage that made in 2000 and i sound so YOUNG so ANNOYING. so fucking HAPPY. in this website i'm bragging about how happy i am and how great my friends are and how much i love my life. i really didn't understand the world very well back then.
i watched this documentary about a funeral home tonight. this old guy was talking about how being in love is so great and that you should embrace it. all i feel is hurt in my heart. i don't feel capable of being in love with anyone. that i'm sure would hurt a lot of people who would happen to read this. seriously, how can you love anyone if you can't even love you're stupid, pathetic self?

i know there's a place in my heart that loves ryen, jess, melody, scott, kristy, chala...but that part of my heart has third degree burns right now. i can't feel anything there.


anne lamott has made me feel a littl bit better. i just got done reading traveling mercies and it helped me so much. there were parts when i literally was sobbing while i was reading it. sobbing in a cleansing way. she's so able to tap into such deeply personal spots of the human condition that hardly anyone else can even begin to speak of. and she talks about these spots with such humor and grace. she talked about how she learned to love the 'ugly' parts of her body. it at least put the idea into my head that i don't have to hate everything about myself so much. this intense hatred of myself hurts so much. i can't begin to describe the pain i inflict upon myself. i really don't understand. maybe i hurt a bit less after reading traveling mercies.

i do love my friends.
i just don't love myself.

bye
10:09 pm
i've figured out 2 things after reading all my pathetic journal entries:
1.) i'm obviously depressed with a severe anger problem

2.) no one gives a rat's ass about anyone else's boring existence. i've looked over so many journal entries by random people and everyone is so self-obsessed (i'm including myself here so don't get your panties in a wad).

i remember a year or two ago when i was so happy. was i ever happy? everything's been a tight-rope walk for me. i managed to read my stupid old aol webpage that made in 2000 and i sound so YOUNG so ANNOYING. so fucking HAPPY. in this website i'm bragging about how happy i am and how great my friends are and how much i love my life. i really didn't understand the world very well back then.
i watched this documentary about a funeral home tonight. this old guy was talking about how being in love is so great and that you should embrace it. all i feel is hurt in my heart. i don't feel capable of being in love with anyone. that i'm sure would hurt a lot of people who would happen to read this. seriously, how can you love anyone if you can't even love you're stupid, pathetic self?

i know there's a place in my heart that loves ryen, jess, melody, scott, kristy, chala...but that part of my heart has third degree burns right now. i can't feel anything there.


anne lamott has made me feel a littl bit better. i just got done reading traveling mercies and it helped me so much. there were parts when i literally was sobbing while i was reading it. sobbing in a cleansing way. she's so able to tap into such deeply personal spots of the human condition that hardly anyone else can even begin to speak of. and she talks about these spots with such humor and grace. she talked about how she learned to love the 'ugly' parts of her body. it at least put the idea into my head that i don't have to hate everything about myself so much. this intense hatred of myself hurts so much. i can't begin to describe the pain i inflict upon myself. i really don't understand. maybe i hurt a bit less after reading traveling mercies.

i do love my friends.
i just don't love myself.

bye
10:02 pm
the legend of why i hate the get up kids.
i'm so sick of everyone in this state being into the get up kids. here's a tale about the get up kids: ryen pope & the rest of those pretentious little snots went to the same high school as i did. one was abusive to his girlfriend, whom i knew. i won't go into details. the other one delt opium to my friend clint. that was really the only good thing about that particular get up kid.
one night, at gee coffee (anyone remember gee coffee...*sniff*sniff*?) my friend shannon was sweeping up after yet another mediocre get up kids show. after she was all finished she gazed over at the get up kids and their posse of uber hip indie rock whoremonger band aids who were all smoking cigarettes and pretending to act depressed and oh so cool. one of them asked shannon: "so are you all done cleaning up for the night." shannon answered "yes". the get up kid who asked her if she was done then proceeded to dump over an entire glass bowl of chex mix on the ground on purpose. then shannon had to clean up the whole wonderful rock star mess.

and that is why i hate the get up kids.
Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
12:07 pm
i hate johnson county. i've had more rude comments here about my (former) red hair in 2 days than i've had in 2 months in lawrence. a good reminder why i never come home in the first place. so, because i'm going through a nervous breakdown over sadness and anger i'm dying my hair almost black. in fact, i'm hoping it does turn out black.

my mom was a mod in the 1960s. she's going to show me the kind of make-up she wore on a normal day in 1964. i'm going to become a mod. i've decided this. i found the perfect haircut. i'm growing my hair shoulder length and keeping a very rigid long style of bangs. basically i'm going to (am) sporting the uma thurman haircut from pulp fiction. may i add that the only 2 things good about pulp fiction was 1.) uma thurman's hair and 2.) the soundtrack. what a crap-ass movie otherwise. barf.

i'm looking forward to having my black hair match my mood.

fuck everyone
bye
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