witchbaby (witchbaby1979) wrote,
witchbaby
witchbaby1979

oh yeah and one more thing why my life sucks

i'm 22 years old and i have no fucking clue what my sexual preference is.

let me share with you a wonderful little tale about how i came to have no sexuality by the age of 22 years old:

well, this joyful tale starts off when i was between the ages of, oh 10-18. all throughout late elementary school people made fun of me because i was fat & ugly. i would wake up in the morning to the phone wringing. thinking it was my mom i would answer the phone to a girl downt the street who turned against me (after being my friend for 2 years) saying: good morning fat ass. i would get on the bus and she would look away. the most popular kids in school would follow me around asking if i wanted to date the most popular boy in the school, knowing that it would hurt my feelings. because i was so very ugly. i learned very well how to hate my body. every day i learned more and more how horrible i was. how ugly i was. i tried to commit suicide 2 times when i was in the 6th grade. well i didn't try. i thought about killing myself a lot though. i tried to strangle myself with a phone cord. i thought about oding on pills a number of times. but i knew my mom would be the person to find the body, and i just couldn't do that to her.
between jr. high and high school i rode my bike all day long. i rode so much. i just rode & rode. i was determined to lose weight. i think i lost like 20 lbs or something in 3 months. i thought i looked prettier. i started doing this at the end of 6th grade. when we went over to the jr. high school as a group to see what it was like, i remember forcing myself to not eat. i think i forced myself to not eat a lot then. but i really don't remember. i did force myself to lose weight. i think just cause i rode my bike so much. i didn't have a single friend at all. i didn't have friends until maybe 9th grade. in 7th grade, i thought things would be different. oh what a dumb mistake we all make when we think things will be different for us. before i knew it, people were spreading around that i was a lesbian. they wrote it on the bathroom walls. someone came up and told me they saw it written on the bathroom walls. i had to go tell the vice principal to have it washed off. she was nice to me about it. but it still was so embarrassing. i had a group of friends for a while in the 9th grade. we were the weird kids. we were part of the whole mid-1990s alternative dissaffected youth set at my jrhigh/high school. this meant that we tortured stuffed animals that you bought out of vending machines and wore glitter all over our bodies. but they decided they didn't like me also. so i was alone again. i guess i'm pretty unlikeable or something. just as a note, i don't have as much a negative attitude in my everyday life as i do in these journal entries. i'm pretty calm otherwise. but anyway. everyone thought i was a lesbian. people told me i looked like kathy bates. i knew no guy would ever like me. i kissed 2 guys in high school: 1 was this deaf kid named jason who sort of looked like leo dicaprio. i felt sorry for him cause everyone was mean to him for being deaf like they were mean to me for being ugly, mean, and weird. he got on my nerves after a while and i didn't want to have to take care of him. then i made out with a sort of friend of mine named paco when i was drunk on the 4th of july. the only way i could get him to make out with me was because he was drunk.
sometime in jr. high i decided the best way to shut myself off from the hurt of being made fun of about my sexuality, my looks, my everything was to not think at all about what my sexuality was. i decided to shut it off completely. i shut down my sexuality. yes i masterbate. but this doesn't involve touching myself. i won't explain how i do this because, well that's no one's business. but i can't touch myself. i can hardly look at myself naked without feeling like i'm disgusting. i hate my vagina. i've hated it ever since i got my period when i was 10 years old. i've always hated being a woman. i haven't dated anyone in college. i've kissed 3 guys in 4 years. all in all i've kissed 7 guys in my entire life. i don't know what my sexual preference is and i don't know what my sexuality is. i still am confused by everything.

later,
bye
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