witchbaby (witchbaby1979) wrote,


i just went into my old bedroom at my mom's house and thought about what i just wrote. i thought about all the times i've thought about some of those things and how much they've stayed with me over the years. how those things have haunted me. i've never written about any of those things before. for some reason i don't feel justified as having just that stuff be the reason behind my depression. so many people have worse things happen to them. i must be very sensitive. or maybe what did happen to me was abuse. it hurts like abuse. for some reason it doesn't seem legitimate. i don't know why.

as i was laying there crying i thought of something anne lamott said in bird by bird. she was talking about how we all have these ugly voices in our heads telling us bad things about ourselves all the time. she also calls it K-Fucked radio...the constant radio station of negative thoughts that's on inside our heads. she said that what she does is, she visualizes shrinking down each person who is being a jerk to her to the size of a pinkie finger. then taking that person up by their shirt and putting them inside a jar. removing them from yourself. taking control of the negative crap being spewed out at you.

i think i'm learning how to start to do that, but it just takes time

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