witchbaby (witchbaby1979) wrote,
witchbaby
witchbaby1979

second doubts

i've thought a lot about what i wrote last night. in one sense i feel like i've had a major breakthrough in dealing with myself and my unhappiness. i feel like after last night, i can only get better. i think that i had a major breakthrough because i was able to talk, well write, about what it was that's been upsetting me for almost a decade. as i said earlier, i've talked to myself about it many times. but i really don't think i've ever written about this. it really is true what they say: that talking about it helps. it's an every day thing to deal with and i'm only starting to deal with it now. it takes a long time. maybe a lifetime. but i'm getting there slowly & i'm doing it all myself. i've always been stubborn. and that's my positive thing about myself for the day. i'm stubborn. being stubborn is positive.
i feel strange sharing so much about myself to something so essentially public. anyone could read this! that really sort of scares me. i forget the live part of the journal aspect. but in the same sense, why should it matter who reads this? it's not like i'm sharing my social security number with anyone. i'm sharing my life experiences. maybe someday someone will stumble onto my journal who's having the same problems and they will not feel as alone. or maybe not. this journal isn't meant to cure cancer, it's supposed to help me. i have a right to feel this way.

on another, completely seperate note, i watched the most interesting tv program called history's mysteries on the history channel. it was about this murder in the early 1920s by these 2 young homosexual boys (who i have to say, were really sexy) named leopold & loeb. they decided to commit the perfect murder. they kidnapped this poor 14 year old kid and killed him. just for fun. it was so creepy! but fascinating none the less because both these boys were so intelligent and diabolical. it reminded me of this alfred hitchcock movie i really like (i'm 100% SURE) that he based it on leopold & loeb. it's called Rope. it's about these two young (obviously homosexual) men who decide to kill a friend just for fun, put his body inside a trunk, and then cover the trunk up with a table cloth & serve an entire dinner party on top of the trunk where the dead body is. very macabe. but a great film, none-the-less. anyway, clarence darrow (the guy who was the good lawyer from the scopes monkey trial) defended them. he gave this amazing speach against the death penalty, in 1924!!!! that made the judge actually CRY. he also was smart enough to plead guilty on behalf of leopold & loeb by basing the decision on whether they should be executed or not entirely on the judge. the judge was this guy who'd been raised very differently than leopold & loeb (who were both intelligent boys from overly wealthy families) he'd grown up in steel mills and stuff. to convince him not to fry them is a really impressive feet. clarence darrow gave this great speach about the death penalty for 2 DAYS. i'm amazed by him. he's definately a great man who everyone should know much more about. i've definately decided that i'm against the death penalty. i guess in the 1960s leopold was let free and did all this great humanitarian work in puerto rico. he said he got off on helping people. talk about redemption. what a prime example for not giving people the death penalty. i don't think leopold & loeb were necessarily wonderful, but i do think that everyone can become very different people if given the chance. especially when they make terrible mistakes at a young age. i will definately have to read more about leopold & loeb. what a fascinating story.

well i'll talk to you later
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