ok so those are both a bit unrealistic. but whatever. i can try to achieve bits and pieces of these goals. i might very well change my mind about nyc (who knows what the fuck will happen in a year?) and well, drama in my life is invevitable.
so last night i went outside to smoke a cigarette & melody and ryen were sitting on the porch talking. i joined them and we were talking, but they kept drifting off into their own conversation making me feel very unhappy and hurt. it just really hurt my feelings. i think it was unintentional but still. it really did hurt my feelings. it made me feel so alone. it made me realize how everyone has someone else they can truly count on. someone who loves them and who would die for them. i don't have that. i have friends who are there. but i don't really have a person who completes me. i've never been the person with the best friend or the serious boyfriend. it just hurts. i still feel so alone even though i know so many people.
being around people doesn't cure lonliness.
so i called jess and walked over to her work at midnight. we talked for a long time about this. she asked me if i had smashed heather's sculptures that she'd had in the front lawn. it really took me for a loop. after heather moved out, ryen and i got rid of most of the ugly sculptures she'd left in the front lawn. both of us took part in getting rid of them. we were both very angry and hurt by her. both of us had an equal part in getting rid of her shit. for some reason, it seems like i'm the cheif culprit. i'm conflicted as to how much i really want to devote of my energy to. looking back i see that we made probably a wrong decision. yes it would hurt me a lot if someone destroyed my artwork. but, if it was artwork i truly cared about i would take it with me when i was to allegedly move away permanently instead of just leaving it behind somewhere. she expressed no interest to anyone in keeping it around. i didn't want to look at it because i hate her. she's hurt me badly for the past 3 years and i wanted to do something malicious because of how angry i was for what she had done to me. simple as that. anger does funny things to people. i never said i was a saint. i also am not the only person to have a part in this. ryen is as much equal to blame as i am. funny how ryen's always so loved by everyone and i'm the fucking anti-christ.
i give up. i cease completely communicating with these kinds of people like heather. i cease having any feellings about heather. she's history to me. vacent. she's as vacent from my life as my ex-roommate erica from the townhouse. i told jess quite clearly that i don't want to talk about heather ever again. she understood this. thankfully jess isn't mad at me. she's an understanding friend. i think she's disappointed, but she also was quick to point out that no one is a saint and that she's done some really fucked up shit that i've never seemed to judge her on. i'm glad that jess can have this aspect of her personality. unconditional friendship. that's fucking rare. scott also has this. i told him about it, i guess i never really realized how fucked up it was that ryen and i did this. i feel awful about this. i'm always trying to be such a good person. i let my anger get the best of me. but this is why i'm working on myself so much. this is why i'm trying to do better. i don't want this episode to taint my friendships with other people. i never considered heather a friend. i barely considered her a roommate. i can't begin to describe how much she hurt my past self and how much i was reeling from pain from how much she hurt me when she went away. very few times have i acted like that and i can honestly say that heather is a very negative, decietful, manipulative person who stops at nothing to get what she wants. she told jess that to try to sway her (not realizing that jess can think for herself) and she is one of the few people i've met with the uncanny ability to bring out the worst sides in just about everyone she comes into contact with.
enough of her. she's retarded (as scott said:) and she's fucking gone from my life. i have purged her from my existence. the end.