tonight was very emotional for me. i went over to tara's apartment and looked around. it's really cute. a little messy and cluttered. the room i will have is really small. it freaks me out KNOWING that i'm going to be moving next august. but at the same time it's exciting. right now at 3:30 am it's depressing. i get depressed at night. at the same time i like mary and tara. they're fun and sweet and goofy. laid back and mellow. they'll give me rides places. i won't have to go to house meetings and come in to strange people sitting in my house or have to deal with lilly taking over the whole house. at the same time i miss my happy years at the co-op. i miss the times with ryen. it's so sad knowing that this time next weekend i'll be saying goodbye to him for good. it feels like he's dying or something. that's awful! i shouldn't say that. it just feels like a part of my life is dying. i hope that a part of my life is getting born right now and i really hope that part of my life is positive and not sad. the future scares me. life scares me. i'm scared of moving. i'm scared of changing my habits and my life. but i need to do this. i can't just settle for the co-op and all its annoyances. things will be different with ryen gone. things won't be as fun. tara said he pretty much makes the co-op what it is. it's true. i have to move on with my life. it'll be easier cutting the apron strings of this place if i've already moved someplace different.